Reflection: February '21 😔

Impending career aspirations freak out. Okay, two weeks ago, I competed in the ASC Integrated Project Delivery Competition (IPD). IPD is the latest and most modern delivery approach in the construction world. By delivery approach, I mean the process that brings projects to life from just ideas and design to actually being built. This is actually a much more complicated process than I expected. When we're building something, take a new residence hall on a college campus, for example, we have to think about everything from how this building and the process of bringing it to life impacts the environment (this is the project development stage), but also how we'll build it. What materials will we use? Who is responsible for doing the electrical and plumbing aspects? Who will make sure the water infrastructure works and is safe? How will construction impact foot traffic around the campus? How do we reroute students? If something goes wrong, who is responsible? Who pays for what? How can we accurately predict how long it will take to build? So many questions! Okay, this is really my first time interacting with the construction managing world - I've only spent time designing structures. I decided to participate in the competition to have a taste of what is involved in this world. Throughout the process, I learned a lot from contracts to project management. In fact, my team actually won the competition! However, despite all this, I don't think I really want to enter this world. Even though my team won, and I'm incredibly proud of that, I think it was my overall project management skills - organizing my team and maximizing our skills (without having specific knowledge), that got me through this experience. I don't think I have enough experience to get into this field full-time. It's funny because I read "Grit" by Angela Duckworth after the competition, and the whole idea of persevering and growing our passions over time really stuck with me. I began thinking, just because I don't know a lot right now doesn't mean I won't always know a lot. If I jump in with my determination, I could pick up any necessary skills while building my leadership and management skills. I could be in a really awesome leadership position within 7 years. This growth mindset is something I've always embraced; however, in this case, I feel and think that there's a mismatch between skills and interest. The construction world feels too far down the line in the urban system development to adequately revolutionize as my dream states. I could revolutionize the construction industry to be better for the environment; maybe start my own company that focuses on developing impoverished neighborhoods; however, I think that the issues facing marginalized communities are further up the chain. I don't want to find innovative band-aids to these issues; rather, I want to address their root causes. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I don't want to start on this bottom rung.

Okay, so if not construction at my "Sustainable Design & Construction" program, what do I want to do? That is the money question! I don't know! I'm trying to figure that out. Part of me thinks urban planning with a data science twist, but urban planning is too bureaucratic for me. Maybe I'm too picky. I'm finding that there's bureaucracy everywhere. Okay. So while thinking about all these this week especially, I think I'm approaching a sort of breakthrough. So I'm reading Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson, and I am incredibly moved by Bryan's work to help people on an individual level. So far, the story is set in the late 80s/early 90s and sharing the early days of the Equal Justice Initiative. I know what the EJI becomes and the incredible work it does today - something I'd love to be a part of or work on the scale that I'd like to be involved with. However, Bryan didn't just get there; he worked with family after family, community after community impacted by our flawed criminal justice system. Okay, I think here is where my plight comes in — these issues, from our flawed criminal justice, de jure segregation in urban planning, disproportionate impacts on low-income and minority communities — have been studied, made known, experienced, and written about, and I'm learning through their experiences. I want to pick up the mantle/grab the baton, and keep running our race towards a more equitable and just world. Is it necessary for me to go through these experiences before getting to a mid-career point to make a difference? I think this manifests in my desire or my resistance to start at the bottom rung. It's not that I think I'm better than that because, good heavens, I'm NOT above starting at any bottom rung - I want to learn; however, it so often feels like these bottom-rung positions continue to reinforce what we already know. I want to make a difference! How can I do it?!